Right, so here's a CYOA featuring me.

"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats) 07/12/2017 at 00:13 • Filed to: None

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Around me there are no fewer than two places that sell cigars and have places to smoke them. I really want a cigar. The thing is, I hate everything and everyone even tangentially related to cigars. I have had recurring dreams about cigars. I WANT a fucking cigar.

The thing is, I really hate cigars and the people who smoke them.

Sometime after the cigarette ban, I remember there being two places you could smoke indoors. One was a “cigar bar” one was a diver bar. In the latter, it was a matter of time before your got stabbed to death. It was okay, but not that okay.

In the former, my only good experience was when some city councilman heard I spoke Arabic. To settle a bet, he asked me the exact translation of “salam alaykum” and “wa alaykum al-salam” and followed that by paying my tab.

On the other side, in that same place, I was told that some ex-marine came very close to murdering me for reasons .

Whatever. I would sit there with my cigarettes, because it was the only place I could smoke them.

But, God, I hated everything about cigars and their culture.

Even going to the promised land, on 42nd and 5th, where you could buy cubes, I knew those fuckers were lurking with their humidors.

Do I go, on Friday or Saturday, to buy a few Ashtons, knowing full well that I will hate everyone and everything involved?

Chariotoflove > Honeybunchesofgoats 07/12/2017 at 00:23

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What do you hate about cigars? Is it just the culture that surrounds them, or are you also conflicted about the whole idea of smoking. Because if it’s just the former, well that’s what they invented the internet for. If it’s the later, then Chantix?

Honeybunchesofgoats > Chariotoflove 07/12/2017 at 00:24

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I’m a heavy smoker. It’s completely the former. I find the culture to be very douchey.

Chariotoflove > Honeybunchesofgoats 07/12/2017 at 00:28

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Then the Web is your friend.

Or find a cigar store with a drive-thru.

DC3 LS, will be perpetually replacing cars until the end of time > Honeybunchesofgoats 07/12/2017 at 00:28

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This is why the fanciest things I ever smoke are black and milds.

Just kidding. The only time I’ve smoked a cigar was in Afghanistan. Because apparently there’s a whole charity just for buying cigars for troops over seas.

#Murica

Honeybunchesofgoats > Chariotoflove 07/12/2017 at 00:28

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My plan is to get in and out as fast possible if I do go

Honeybunchesofgoats > DC3 LS, will be perpetually replacing cars until the end of time 07/12/2017 at 00:30

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I only know them as that thing you make spliffs with. I didn’t know people actually smoke that.

Chariotoflove > Honeybunchesofgoats 07/12/2017 at 00:31

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You’ll end up on someone’s Facebook. There is nowhere to hide.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Chariotoflove 07/12/2017 at 00:40

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Thank you for reinforcing my decision to delete Facebook.

Chariotoflove > Honeybunchesofgoats 07/12/2017 at 00:43

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That just updates your status. No one leaves. Ever.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Chariotoflove 07/12/2017 at 00:43

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That’s a horrifying thought. I left because I realized that my ratio of exes to friends was way too high.

DC3 LS, will be perpetually replacing cars until the end of time > Honeybunchesofgoats 07/12/2017 at 00:49

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It’s what you smoke when Marboro reds just hit like they used to.

Honeybunchesofgoats > DC3 LS, will be perpetually replacing cars until the end of time 07/12/2017 at 00:51

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Camels unfiltered or lucky strikes will strike that sense of mortality in you right quick.

*puff*

“Why am not dead?”

DrJohannVegas > Honeybunchesofgoats 07/12/2017 at 00:58

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FWIW, my ex-stepdad (holy shit is that a story which would take a big cigar worth of time to tell) ordered all his online.

He was also insufferable, so be aware that the garbage culture may come in the box.

I guess what I’m saying is: everything is terrible, but at least riding out the misery for a bit gets you a decent smoke for a special occasion.

Honeybunchesofgoats > DrJohannVegas 07/12/2017 at 01:02

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You get me. Also, I bet he has a humidor reserved at some place.

Chariotoflove > Honeybunchesofgoats 07/12/2017 at 01:04

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I tried blocking them. Nothing worked. Now my institution’s spam filter collects the emails, and I just ignore it. But it’s like the mafia.

just-a-scratch > Honeybunchesofgoats 07/12/2017 at 01:05

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Go. Buy a cigar. Leave. Find a place to enjoy it on your own. It does not need to be a social thing.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Chariotoflove 07/12/2017 at 01:05

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I won’t let anyone be married before me.

Honeybunchesofgoats > just-a-scratch 07/12/2017 at 01:06

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I like your way of thinking.

DrJohannVegas > Honeybunchesofgoats 07/12/2017 at 01:12

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Haha. Nope. Cheap Scot (which was a redeeming character trait, in hindsight), he made his own out of Igloo Coolers. I shit you not. Dude’d get a massive box of sticks in twice a year, hide em in the cooler with the humidifier blocks.

But that was 10 years plus ago, so yea, he probably has a humidor reserved somewhere now.

Honeybunchesofgoats > DrJohannVegas 07/12/2017 at 01:16

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A cheap scot? That’s unpossible

DrJohannVegas > Honeybunchesofgoats 07/12/2017 at 01:25

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I know, right?

Birddog > Honeybunchesofgoats 07/12/2017 at 02:26

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“The thing is, I really hate cigars and the people who smoke them”

Cigars, Whiskey guys and home brewers. There are good ones and bad ones.

I was pretty happy when the local liquor store started carrying Drew Estate. I can pick up one or two for after work every Friday and puff away on my porch listening to the Frogs and Crickets sing.

Joel Ness > Honeybunchesofgoats 07/12/2017 at 06:34

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B/Xmrrmvr > Honeybunchesofgoats 07/12/2017 at 07:52

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I’ve had a Cuban lying on my desk for weeks that I received as a gift. I don’t smoke cigars often so seems like a waste to smoke it, especially when I don’t usually finish them.

OpposResidentLexusGuy - USE20, XF20, XU30 and Press Cars > Honeybunchesofgoats 07/12/2017 at 08:25

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It’s not the cigar that’s bad, it’s people that are bad. A cigar is just Tabacco leaves rolled into a paper. I enjoy a good cigar 1-2 times a month but will only smoke it with my friends. It’s relaxing if you let it be.

Quadradeuce > Honeybunchesofgoats 07/12/2017 at 08:44

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I smoke the occasional cigar, about a box a year. I agree on the culture. We also have a couple of places where you can smoke inside, but I avoid them. Too fancy, and I smoke a cigar to relax, not get dressed up and drink over priced liquor.

When I replaced my garage, I used full attic trusses. The second floor is now my cigar lounge in the winter. Otherwise I smoke outside. But that’s the advantage of living in flyover country. Need a place to smoke? Go ahead and build one for next to nothing.